


Let's Get It On

by plinys



Series: ABC Fic Challenge [9]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Crack, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-11
Updated: 2015-05-11
Packaged: 2018-03-30 01:56:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3918547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plinys/pseuds/plinys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You know, I’ve never thought about what a robot dick would look like-“</p><p>“Technically I’m not a robot."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Let's Get It On

**Author's Note:**

> This is for Jaz, who proposed the important question of "Does Vision have a dick?" Which led to this a spiral of really awful crack HCs and eventually this. I am so sorry this fic exists. Not beta'd because if I looked over this a second time I would die of shame and delete it.
> 
> Also, this fills my ABC challenge fic for the letter I, which stands for "intercourse."

If anyone was to blame for this whole incident, all fingers would point to Sam Wilson who picked up a copy of Cosmo (for the articles) while grocery shopping, left said magazine on the counter in the Avenger’s communal kitchen where it was jokingly picked up by Natasha Romanoff, who then handed it off to a curious Wanda Maximoff to while reading though it happened to accidentally run into-

“Vision! Sorry, I wasn’t looking where I was going!”

“It’s not a problem at all, Miss Maximoff,” he insists, “I was not paying attention either, if anything the fault is mine.”

“We’ll just have to agree to disagree on that point,” she says offering him a small smile, “I’m sorry to hit and run, but I promised Natasha I would spar with her and-“

“You dropped your magazine,” Vision says, grabbing the object off the group and offering it a slightly pink Wanda.

“You can keep it,” she says quickly, “it’s uh, very interesting, if you’re into that sort of thing,” before rushing off in the direction from which she had come, the exact opposite direction of the gym, without a look back.

\---

Since bumping into Wanda in the hallway, he had decided to read her magazine, after all it had clearly been something that interested the young woman. He and Wanda had become close lately, perhaps more than close, one might have called them _intimate_ were they the type to use the word liberally.

There had been a rushed kiss after a mission and since then things had evolved into a certain companionship, one that Vision genuinely enjoyed. There was nothing that quite made him so happy as seeing a smile of Wanda’s face.

Which was why he took it upon himself to read her magazine from cover to cover, for research purposes.

And that was exactly where Rhodes found him, sitting at one of the kitchen tables with a long gone cold cup of tea.

“Didn’t peg you for the type,” Rhodes says, as he casts a glance between Vision and his current reading material.

“Miss Maximoff lent it to me actually,” Vision explains, “or, she dropped it in front of me and then did not want it back.”

“Smooth,” he says with a confusing little laugh.

“What do you mean?

“Cosmo’s a sex magazine, yeah?”

“Yes, there are some articles regarding sex, but overall it seems to a mix between fashion, woman’s issues and that.”

“Right well normally the ladies buy them just for the sexy bits,” Rhodes continues, “at least in my experience, seems like she’s dropping you a hint, after all you two are,” he waves his hand in an encompassing movement.

“Intimate?”

“Clearly not enough, if she thinks you need the pointers.”

“I see,” he says, closing the magazine at once. He had been functioning under the impression that Wanda was satisfied with the pace their relationship had been going at. Certainly she had never pushed for more than kissing and even then it was so simple and pure he had never thought to imagine that she might want more.

That she might find him to be _unsatisfying_.

“I have a lot of research to do,” he quickly stands up, “if you’ll excuse me.”

However, before he can get to the door Rhodes stops him.

“You should call Tony,” Rhodes offers, “before Pepper he used to have a different girl every night.”

“I’ll be sure to do that.”

\---

“This has been a most _enlightening_ talk Mr. Stark, but I’m afraid I have Avengers things to do, right now, very important Avengers things which require my most immediate attentions. Have a good afternoon and please use protection.”

\---

While calling Tony had generally been ruled as a mistake, there was one person that Vision was certain would have good advice in regards to pleasing a woman.

And as luck would have it that very person happened to briefly stop by the Avengers Mansion just a few days later.

“Agent Barton, I had been hoping to speak to you!”

“What’s up?”

“I was hoping you would give me advice on how to sexually satisfy a woman.”

“You, what now?”

“I went to Mr. Stark for advice earlier, and while his advice was quite _detailed_ , none of it was actually useful,” Vision explains, “however, as my files tell me that you have managed to produce three children with your wife. Clearly you would have superior knowledge when it comes to pleasing a woman, and it is my deepest desire to pleasure Miss Maximoff in every way possible so I was hoping that you could give me some advice.”

There’s a long moment, where Clint stares at Vision as though he’s grown a second head, before he seems to blink and come back to himself.

“You want me to give you sex tips?”

“If it’s not too much trouble.”

\---

“I was able to grow a cape mere minutes after being born,” he says to himself, staring at the mirror as though it could offer some sort of hint as to what need to be done, “this surely shouldn’t be any different.”

\---

He had predicted a variety of reactions that Wanda might give to him. Most were generally of pleasure or at least pleasant surprise, the words of expressions he had seen in the _educational_ videos that Tony had graciously emailed him.

“Now is probably a bad time to mention that I’m asexual?”

“I – ah, that makes more sense.”

“I thought you knew,” Wanda confesses, her cheeks dusted with the slightest hint of pink, “that’s why we never went further than kissing. Though if you’d really like to, I suppose I could try for your sake-“

“No, no, I would never,” Vision insists quickly, “I thought it was something you enjoyed. I was worried my previous state was unsatisfying to you, you were reading that magazine and-“

“That was Natasha’s,” Wanda explains quickly, sounding vaguely scandalized, “she lent it to me, there was a fitness section and I wasn’t interested in the _sex tips_.”

“That is an incredible relief!”

“Is it?”

“Yes,” he assures her, “I’m actually not interested in intercourse either, but for your sake I would have attempted to enjoy it.”

“Well that settles that.”

“Indeed it does.”

“Now why don’t you get rid of that and we can get back towhat we were doing before,” Wanda says with a little grin that makes his brain nearly short circuit. She had a way of doing that to him. It’s one of the many reasons why he enjoys her company so much.

And he’d very much like to go back to doing that that if it weren’t for _one_ small problem.

“I don’t know how to get rid of it,” he admits reluctantly.

“Oh!”

\---

Team movie night was a tradition which usually Vision (and by association, Wanda) skipped out on. It also usually involved Natasha staring at her phone, Rhodes half watching half doing some sort of paperwork, while Sam and Steve were the only ones actually watching the movie.

Tonight though the movie was quickly forgotten as the two missing members of the team turned up to make their predicament known to the others.

“Can you repeat that,” Natasha asks a second later, tilting her phone upwards in a moment that is not as stealthy as one would expect from a legendary super spy.

“I found a magazine Miss Maximoff was reading, and I had thought that she might enjoy if I were more endowed-“

“Nat, don’t tease them,” Steve says, covering her phone with his hand, “we got it the first time.”

“You didn’t like it,” Sam says, casting an awkward glace to where Wanda’s standing.

“I’m asexual,” she offers, in return.

“Oh that makes sense a lot of sense actually.”

“You know, I’ve never thought about what a robot dick would look like-“

“Technically I’m not a robot. I was synthetically created, but other than that I’m as human as you are-”

“Except for the part where you have an erection that won’t go away.”

“Sounds like the average guy to me,” Natasha smirks, from behind her phone.

“Can’t you just _undo_ it? I mean, you grew it in the first place, could you _ungrow_ it?

“I’m afraid that’s not how my body works.”

“Did you try you know rubbing one out,” Steve asks, looking just the hint of pink around the tips of his ears.

“I would prefer not to do that,” Vision says quickly.

“Clint wants to know if you’ve tried Viagra,” Natasha asks, looking up from her phone for a brief second.

“Maybe we could call Thor down,” Rhodes tries, “he’s a god of fertility, maybe he could unfertile you?”

“Think of something that’ll turn you off,” Steve suggests.

“No that’s actually a good idea,” Sam agrees, “grandparents are a number one boner killer.”

“I don’t have a grandfather, though technically considering Mr. Stark was responsible for the creation of Ultron who in turned led to my creation-“

“Think of Steve, he’s old enough to be a grandpa,” Natasha offers laugh, before turning back to texting

 “We want him to get turned off,” Sam reminds her.

Right about the same time Steve jumps up with, “nobody better be thinking about me naked.”

“I can confirm at least three people in this room are,” Wanda offers with the tiniest of smirks.

“That is an invasion of privacy,” Sam insists quickly.

“I’ve seen better,” Natasha shrugs, “no offense meant.”

“Wait, who is the third person,” Steve asks, casting a glance at Rhodes who holds his hands up innocently

“In my defense Miss Romanoff brought it up,” Vision quickly says, “my brain automatically jumps to forming visual cues.”

“Can we focus on the more important things here, like the never-ending robotic hard on.”

“I’m not a robot, I’m-“

“Maybe we should call Tony, he’s the master of all things robotic or synthetic,” Steve jumps in, before Vision can interject yet again, “as much as I hate to admit it, he might have some idea how to help with your _situation_.”

“Well, there’s no way calling him could make this any worse, right?”

\---

“Let me get this straight, you need to fly to New York because,” there’s a sound of barely muffled laughter from the other end of the line, “our innocent synthetic child grew a dick and his girlfriend was like _that’s fucking gross_?”


End file.
